The Man in Red

Greetings from Altopia

By the time you read this you could be up to your neck in paper, sticky tape and gift tags – or else putting your feet up after eating too much turkey and too many mince pies. Either way, I think it would be kind to turn our attention towards those whose efforts make the Christmas holidays possible, and who comes higher on this list than Father Christmas?

Putting aside all the necessary preparation, which itself must take most of the year, the statistics of Father Christmas’ workload across Christmas Eve are staggering to say the least. It is worth looking at the facts and figures in order to realise just how gargantuan his task is.

There are an estimated 2 billion people in the world who are under 18 years of age. Whilst all of these children technically qualify for a visit from Santa, many of them are of different religions. Most of these won’t have even heard of the man in red and so it is likely that Father Christmas only actually visits around 387 million children annually. The problem is that those who do expect a visit are spread all around the planet. Fortunately Father Christmas does not have to visit all of the children in a 24 hour period. Because of different time zones there is actually nearer 31 hours to complete the job, travelling from east to west. Nevertheless, this means that the reindeer must travel at a fantastic speed because he has to achieve 822.6 visits per second if he is to be finished in time. What this means is that Santa has about 1 thousandth of a second to park on each roof, nip down each chimney, deliver the requisite gifts and eat whatever snack has been left for him. He then has to get back to the roof, feed the reindeer all the carrots that have been kindly supplied, and move on to the next house.

Because of the diversity of places north and south of the equator that Father Christmas must visit, be actually travels over 75 million miles in total and this means a speed for the sleigh of over 672 miles per second. On top of this we have to bear in mind the weight of the sleigh, which, if each present weighed only around 1 kilo, I am reliably informed could be in the region of 321,300 tonnes! Even Santa, despite his inbuilt magic, cannot defy the laws of physics and this raises some fascinating but also potentially horrendous facts.

Because of the speed and the air resistance Santa will personally experience forces 17,500 times that of gravity, which makes one wonder why his is ‘fat’ instead of ‘flat’. The reindeer are also subjected to unbelievable stresses. In fact they are travelling so fast within the Earth’s atmosphere that if they were not in some way protected, the heat generated would vaporise them in a tiny fraction of a second. Believe it or not, Rudolph, and his fellow leading reindeer actually experience 14 quintillion joules of energy in each and every second. It is clear that Santa has devised a way to harness this heat and to use it in some way as an extra motive force that can push him up to the 2,232,000 mph he must maintain if he is to get back to Mrs Christmas in time for breakfast.

These figures are estimates of course. Actually it does occur to me the Santa may travel even faster and because of his speed, may utilise what is known as ‘time dilation’. Is this the secret of his ability to get the job done? According to Einstein, the closer one gets to the speed of light, the slower time will pass. Whatever his speed, Santa must experience a fair degree of time dilation and this probably extends the 31 hours available considerably. It also accounts for why people don’t see him making his visits. His time reference is very different to ours and he would be, at best, a blur to anyone watching him from a normal time frame.

All of this would be bad enough if poor Father Christmas only worked on the one day each year but this is patently not the case. We see him everywhere, and he often appears first immediately after the summer holidays. Of course we all know he has helpers but there are still many millions of personal appearances to be made and these don’t even necessarily stop on Christmas Day itself. Take our own large family gathering for example. It did not take place last year until three days after Christmas and yet, as exhausted as he must have been Father Christmas managed to put in a personal appearance. Everyone met him, except for Mrs Altopia’s eldest son Martin, who for some reason always seems to be missing when Santa arrives.

I have to say that the poor man was not looking at his best, which I suppose is not in the least surprising after what he had so recently gone through. His clothes seemed worn and he must have eaten too many mince pies because his coat and trousers were really quite tight. He clearly had not had much time for personal grooming because his beard was decidedly grubby and somewhat matted. Nevertheless he handed out all the presents in his sack and he had clearly done his homework because he knew each child present by name. Fortunately, unlike me, they were not askance at his dishevelled appearance and although somewhat overawed by this vision in grubby red, the children were clearly very impressed.

All too soon it was time for Santa to take his leave. Before departing he had a word or two with the adults and probably because he was tired, he sat down on a handy chair. That’s when it happened. Poor Santa’s trousers split from the front of his waistband to the back. Someone held a piece of discarded Christmas paper across him and all the adults present (I thought rather unkindly) dissolved into shrieks and fits of laughter. Poor Father Christmas departed with a face as red as his uniform, promising to get Mrs Christmas to repair his outfit before his visit next year.

What a story we had to tell Martin when he returned – bitterly disappointed as always to have missed Santa’s visit.

Ah well, I’ll get on with wrapping these presents. Happy Christmas people, and do remember the man in red when you hang up your stocking this year.

www.whobuiltthemoon.com
http://www.fromblogstobooks.com/
http://www.getweebling.com/
http://www.washingtondcschamberofsecrets.com/
http://www.mysteriesman.com/
http://www.cityofthegoddess.com/
http://www.astrologymanor.com/

Scented Candles

Christmas is coming to Altopia - though actually it's been coming gradually since the end of the summer holidays. One of its delights is scented candles. Mrs Altopia has a real liking for such things. The latest one is called 'Winter Berries'. It smells like something between a very burned Christmas pudding and a much used wellington boot sock that has been left to dry on a hot radiator.

I sometimes wonder how they come up with all these various perfumes. At the supermarket this morning we purchased some fabric conditioner (Which itself is something strange. When I was young people were lucky to have fabric - no matter what its condition.) Anyway, this fabric conditioner had a perfume that is called 'Spring Sunshine.' Does sunshine of any kind have a smell? Even more to the point, how can you capture and bottle it? I told Mrs Altopia to be careful in case it escaped in the car on the way home. Heaven only knows what would happen if a massive bottle of Spring Sunshine got loose in the vehicle just as I was negotiating a roundabout. Fortunately I was wearing my react to light glasses, so the glare might not have been too much of a problem, even if the heat had burned us to a frazzle.

www.whobuiltthemoon.com
http://www.fromblogstobooks.com/
http://www.getweebling.com/
http://www.washingtondcschamberofsecrets.com/
http://www.mysteriesman.com/
http://www.cityofthegoddess.com/
http://www.astrologymanor.com/

Confusion Reigns in Altopia

Things are rather at sixes and sevens here in Altopia today. The thing is I've just started blogging and though I now at least know what a blog is, I'm on a journey along a steep learning curve to know how to use them. The problem seems to be that every time I have something new to learn, things drop off the other end of the line. That's the way a computer recycle bin works. You shove stuff into it until it gets full and then eventually the oldest stuff gets cast out into the darkness (where there is weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth). And that's pretty much how my brain works. OK, so if I keep going I will understand all about blogs, but will I then still be able to make a video or deal effectively with my websites?

And in any case it's never that easy. Having come to terms with creating a blog (just about) I then have to learn to put all my pictures into albums, so I can access them from the place like this where blogs get made. When you consider that I'm a professional writer, a seasoned traveller, a husband, a step father, step grandfather and all the other things I am, that's a hell of a lot of pictures on my computer. The wretched Picasa program is still trawling away, unearthing all sorts of horrible things from the bowels of my machine and arranging them into stacks.

Life in Altopia is generally interesting but it isn't always easy and it regularly makes my head hurt. What I really need is ten times as much brain power and a good forty eight hours in each day. Computers are supposed to make life easier, but in Altopia that is so often not the case.

Ho hum - I don't think shouting into the void is going to help. Is there anybody there?

www.whobuiltthemoon.com
http://www.fromblogstobooks.com/
http://www.getweebling.com/
http://www.washingtondcschamberofsecrets.com/
http://www.mysteriesman.com/
http://www.cityofthegoddess.com/
http://www.astrologymanor.com/

Welcome to Altopia

I haven't learned all that much in my life but I do know this: We all inhabit our own universe - which is just slightly different than the universe of anyone else. I have no idea how all these millions of universes fit together but somehow they do. What makes matters more complicated is that even our own, personal universe has a habit of changing, even on a daily basis. In other words the universe you went to sleep in last night is not necessarily the same one you will wake up in today.

My universe - at least the one I seem to be in at the present time, is called Altopia. On the whole I really like it, but it is a little odd. For example, the established laws of physics don't always apply here. Strange and inexplicable happenings are frequent - and in addtion to some amazing people it also seems to contain a great many idiots who pretend to know what they are doing, when in fact they are just making it up as they go along. Some of these people call themselves politicians, others refer to themselves as 'experts' and a few even claim to know God personally.

I'd like to share my particular universe with you, and tell you a little more about it. I do feel somewhat qualified to comment. Whilst other people have been busy collecting stamps, running marathons, playing on Nintendo DS's or whatever, I have been spending at least some of my time watching and taking note.

I've also been busy in other ways. In my life I have been an engineer, a musician, a town crier, an astrologer and a professional writer. I've lived in many different places and I once even spent two years travelling round the canal system of Britain on a 40ft narrow boat. As a writer I have produced quite a number of books on a range of topics. For the sake of my writing career I have become a proficient astronomer, something of a specialist in certain periods of history and I have produced not only books but also countless articles, many plays and a wealth of poetry, some of which can be found on my various web sites.

Sad to say I have sometimes been accused of being slightly mad, though fortunately I'm in good company because I am married to Kate, who is far madder than me and I am fortunate to have a wealth of friends and associates from around the world, most of whom would also be considered to be two sandwiches short of a picnic.

I'm happy to admit that Altopia is not quite as stressful as many other people's universes. (or some picnics in my experience) On the whole people here don't tend to worry as much as they do elsewhere. It's not that Altopia has any less tragedy or worry than any other universe but the general philosophy here-abouts is that things are likely to go wrong wether we worry about them or not, so the worrying is somewhat immaterial in the long-run and wastes a lot of energy that could be used up on good things - like picnics for example.

Altopia also tends to be a fairly humorous place. Let's face it, it has to be because you can't take anything here for granted and I keep being told that it takes less muscles to smile than it does to frown.

And that's about it. I can't offer you longevity, excellent health, a religious panacea or anything much at all apart from words and the books I write, but Altopia could make you smile - which is more than can be said for the newspapers or the television news.

In closing I would just like to say how happy I am that you asked me here today to launch this ship - sorry, it looks as though reality has flipped again. Just for a moment I thought I was the Queen but I'm sure I can't be. She would never wear a dress this colour.

www.whobuiltthemoon.com
http://www.fromblogstobooks.com/
http://www.getweebling.com/
http://www.washingtondcschamberofsecrets.com/
http://www.mysteriesman.com/
http://www.cityofthegoddess.com/
http://www.astrologymanor.com/